Happy As Default

To change.
For a while now, I've been thinking about this.
Wondering, how it would have been, if God, though I have no belief in him lately, had asked me to help him create me. How it would have been to have a say on who I was going to be.

Most of the time, I have a clear vision of what should be, and should not be. A twisted, subjective, painful vision. There are things I hate to be, yet I am, and I cannot help it. I am who I am. My hormones, my experiences, my subconcious desires, everything that makes me, me, has taken over.
My mind, thinks, all by itself, somewhere up there.
My heart, beats, all by itself, somewhere in there.
I know them, I hear them, they hear me, yet we are helpless, against all of that's going on.
Sometimes, I love being me. Because I know me, I learned to be me, I had all this time to make a better me, and I would not be as good with anybody elses mind and body. I would despise a foreing heart. I would rather die.
But sometimes, and it's those times, being me is so hard. It's inexplicable. And it's my fault. My problem. My twisted, subjective, painful vision, that makes me think I know what should be and should not be.
I don't know shit, yet it makes me feel like I do. It messes up my mind, crushes my heart.

And if I were there, with Him, I would not let Him do this to me.
I would make me, as somebody I would want to be.
Someone who can let go of things.
Someone who knows what she is doing.
Someone happy, as default.



M, I wish you could have been me, for a day, and see how amazing you were.