How the monologue ends:

"...But being here was not out of my wildness – it was pure frustration, the will to skip the unnecessary drills; ergo this unexpected waiting was evermore frustrating for me. [pause] I must say the others seemed fine waiting. Almost like they have been waiting for this their whole life… Like this was going to be that climactic moment in their lives that would give them the push to their resolution. It would give them a push aright, and it would lead them right down that climax. Pathetic. [pause] Me? I personally didn’t want any of this. I thought I’d be spared from it all, the whole drama – like they used to let me skip gym because I’d tell them I had Ballistophobia. Fear of round objects, bullets, missiles. Though accuracy was not a concern: The dumbass coach would eat up anything with more than 10 syllables as a disease. Wild, huh? [pause] But this one? This one was supposed to be the easiest way out. From it all, the whole drama. [points her fingers to her head like a gun] BAM! And you’re out! And then even God does not want to bother with you anymore. At least that was what they told me. [pause] But here I am, waiting to meet the divine One, waiting for me to ask for forgiveness and mercy. Even though I am not worthy of his forgiveness or his mercy. What a narcissist. [Looks at the paper] What a bag of bullshit."

(by pipedreams)